I heard a joke today!

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 6:36 pm

Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and were comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 9:21 pm

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40 Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail the donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin's such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked the green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:15 am

Yup, that sounds about right!! Good thing I am not a true southerner!

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 2:28 pm

20 old age benefits

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 2:55 am

The B. J. Survey

A recent survey was conducted asking men why they like blow jobs. The results were surprising.
10% of the men said they like the feeling.
12% of the men said they like the dominance.
But a whopping 78% of the men said they like the frickin' silence!

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 4:17 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 2:19 am

it's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in ....New Mexico.... where she purchased the coffee. You remember..... she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that - right?

That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the ....U.S..... You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. ....

....

Here are the S tella's for the past year:

....7TH PLACE.... :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, ....Texas.... was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. ....

....6TH PLACE.... :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, ....California.... won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was tr ying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
....5TH PLACE.... :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have t his kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...
....4TH PLACE.... :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
....3RD PLACE.... :
Third place goes to Amber Carson of ..Lancaster.. , ..Pennsylvania.. because a jury ordered a ....Philadelphia.... restaurant to pay her $113, 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...
....2ND PLACE.... :
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. ....

....1ST PLACE.... : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?)
This year's runaway ....First Place.... Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of ....Oklahoma City.. , ..Oklahoma.... , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The ....Oklahoma.... jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. .

Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:26 pm

One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed, Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and it grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic," replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you? Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."

Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:42 pm

Reasons to Drink

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.

2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.

3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.

4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.

5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.

6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.

8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.

9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

10. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.

11. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?

12. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?

13. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.

14. Your friends might have a good time without you.

15. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.

16. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

17. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.

18. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.

19. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.

20. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.

21. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.

22. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.

23. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?

24. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.

25. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.

26. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.

27. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.

28. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.

29. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.

30. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”

31. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?

32. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.

Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:53 am

Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this l ecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied....'Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'Goats...'

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:31 pm

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
Anatomy class with a real, dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
White sheet. The professor started the class by telli ng them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
Animal body.' As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
His finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger
In his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students
Freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
Sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
Finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now, learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:32 pm

> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only
> needs to be:
>
> 1. a friend
> 2. A companion
> 3. a lover
> 4. a brother
> 5. a father
> 6. a master
> 7. a chef
> 8.. an electrician
> 9. a carpenter
> 10. a plumber
> 11. a mechanic
> 12.. a decorator
> 13. a stylist
> 14. a sexologist
> 15. a gynecologist
> 16. a psychologist
> 17. a pest exterminator
> 18. a psychiatrist
> 19.. a healer
> 20. a good listener
> 21. an organizer
> 22.. a good father
> 23. very clean
> 24. sympathetic
> 25. athletic
> 26. warm
> 27. attentive
> 28. gallant
> 29. intelligent
> 30. funny
> 31. creative
> 32.. tender
> 33. strong
> 34. understanding
> 35. tolerant
> 36. prudent
> 37. ambitious
> 38. capable
> 39. courageous
> 40. determined!
> 41. true
> 42. dependable
> 43. passionate
> 44.. compassionate
>
> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>
> 45. give her compliments regularly
> 46. love shopping
> 47. be honest
> 48. be very rich
> 49. not stress her out
> 50. not look at other girls
>
> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>
> 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
> 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
> 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
> goes
>
> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>
> 54. Never to forget:
> * birthdays
> * anniversaries
> * arrangements she makes
>
>
>
> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>
> 1. Show up naked
> 2. Bring food

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:56 pm

A man decided it was time for a new car. He drove to the lot, found the one he wanted and bought it. The salesman started talking about all the new features of his car including the state of the art stereo.

"That stereo has the newest in voice features. You say a phrase and the radio responds by finding the station to match. Watch this.", the salesman said.

"War in Iraq" he said as the radio tuned to a news station.

"Fucking sweet" said the man. He thanked the salesman and took off in his new car.

Wanting to test the stereo, he thought of something, "Stock market" he said and the radio adjusted.

he sat there and listened for a while, enjoying his new car. He reached into the cup holder for his cup of coffee and went to take a sip, but the cup slipped and spilled all over him.

"Ah, shit" he screamed, just the the next thing he hears from the radio is " Welcome to the University of Louisville sports network".

Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:19 pm

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes ougt to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:25 pm

Poems For Adults ...
(Well, some of them, hehehe!)

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Georgie Porgy Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad ...
... she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront
apartment, and a sports car.

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:06 pm

A little kid walks into a brothel dragging behind him a dead frog on a leash. He goes up to the counter and says to the madam:

"I need a prostitute with a disease."

"Oh no, the prostitutes don't work when they have a disease."

The little kid won't let up. He slaps down a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says again:

"I need a prostitute with a disease."

"Okay," says the madam, "Room 6. Ask for Angelique."

So the little kid walks up the stairs dragging the dead frog on the leash behind him. After 15 minutes he comes back down to pay, and the madam says:

"I have to ask: why did it have to be a prostitute with a disease?"

"Well," says the little boy, "I'm screwing the baby sitter. The baby sitter is screwing my dad. My dad is screwing my mom. My mom is screwing the milkman. And it was the milkman who ran over my frog."

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:06 pm

Little girl wants to walk her dog. She asks her mother, who told her she couldn't walk the dog this week, because she was in heat. The little girl asked what that meant. The mom tells her to ask her father. The little girl takes the dog to the garage, where the father is working on the car. She tells him that her mom said she couldn't walk the dog, because she was in heat. She asked her father what that meant. He doesn't answer, but he gets a rag, dips it in gas, and wipes the dog's hindquarters with it. and then tells the little girl that she can walk the dog, that everything is ok.

About ten minutes later, the little girl comes back by herself. Her dad askes where the dog is, and she tells him.

"I was walking her, and she must have run out of gas, because the dog down the street was pushing her down the sidewalk."

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 7:50 am

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 7:55 am

Man: "Haven’t I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore."
Man: "Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut."

Man: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I’m a female impersonator."
Man: "That explains the moustache then!"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised."
Man: "No problem, I’ll just shoot my load up your arse."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "But would you stay there?"
Man: "Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you’ve been fucked."

Man: "Would you like to dance?"
Woman: "I’d rather eat glass."
Man: "I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants"

Man: "You’re pretty."
Woman: "Piss off."
Man: "Don’t interrupt, You’re pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine."
Man: "That’s cool, cause after I’m done fucking you in the back of my car, I don’t give a shit where you go."

Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:34 am

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 10:33 pm

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.

“How hard is it?” she asks.

“About as hard as my dick,” he replies.

“OK,” she says, “then pour me some!”

*****

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”

*****

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw Crap", says his friend, "wouldn't you know it, I just joined the Elks."

*****

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, “Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?”

“No sir,” answered the man.

“Did you ever get any from his wife?”

“No sir.”

“Did you ever get any from his daughters?”

“Uh–excuse me sir,” the witness said, “but we’re still talking about drugs here, right?”