I heard a joke today!

Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 12:37 am

As a newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to take a rain check.

When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar apparently drowning his sorrows. "Why you should be the happiest man in the world today," they said coming over to him.

"Yesterday I was," said the man mournfully. "But this morning, without thinking, I put three hundred dollar bills on the pillow and got up to get dressed."

"Hey, cheer up, she probably didn't even notice."

"That's the problem," the groom went on. "Without even thinking, she gave me fifty dollars change!"

Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:25 pm

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the SuperBowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:47 pm

BlackCrypt wrote:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the SuperBowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

hehehe

Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 11:07 pm

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing girl.

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

Then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money.

The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.

"See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 10:30 pm

This one is for Jizz!

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 7:54 pm

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:57 pm

The old Indian wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”
“Make jewelry and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put in tepee.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:58 pm

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!

The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.”

“Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked.

“When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!”

Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:46 pm

A man walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the man runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

'Nah, says the man... 'Costs too much....'

Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 7:41 pm

A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?"

The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job." The guy's jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:49 pm

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fatboy, whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex??"

Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it's the worse case of van aerial disease I've ever seen."

Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:11 pm

A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the scholarship of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's YOUR question," said Thompson as he took the money.

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:16 pm

For Therm:

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons: civil engineers build targets.

Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:03 pm

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my father-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my mother-in-law. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm boinking her."

The boss says, "You boink your mother-in-law?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 12:22 am

WARNING!!

I have some jokes in the next few posts that would get people banned from other places!!

But, you know what? I don't give a shit if anyone is offended. Funny is funny!

Abe Hymowitz wins $100 million in Powerball. He is 105 years old...he is wheeled up to the podium where he is presented with the check. The lottery official asks him "Abe, you are in the twilight of your life and have all this new found wealth....what are you going to do with the money?"

Abe thinks for a moment and says "I am going to build a 500 foot statue of adolph hitler in my front yard". A hush comes over the crowd...the lottery official says "Abe, are you sure??? don't you know what he did to your people?"

Abe, smiling, pulled up his sleave and said "but look...he gave me the winning number"

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 12:28 am

How can you tell a black woman's pregnant?

When all the cotton's been picked off her tampon.

What's black and white and rolls off the end of a pier?

A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

What is 1,000 white people running down a hill?

Avalanche.

What is a 1,000 mexicans running down a hill?

Mudslide.

What is 1,000 niggers running down a hill?

Jailbreak.

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 12:32 am

So a pedophile and a little boy are walking in the woods.

Little Boy: Mister i'm scared, it's dark out here

Pedophile: How do you think i feel? I have to walk out of here alone.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

What do Michael Jackson and Van Halen have in common?

Both prefer the kids to provide the bottom end.

Why is Israel in debt?

Germany handed them the gas bill.

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 12:41 am

What do you call a Kentucky farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the US.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walkin

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs propped up against a tree?

Ilene

What do you call her in Japan?

Irene

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 12:48 am

Why do little Polish girls stick fish in their panties?

In order to smell like older Polish girls.

When you see an Asian girl you think "she's Hot"
When you see an Asian guy you think "tech support"

What does a Mexican firefighter call his two sons?

Hose A and Hose B

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Why don't blacks marry Mexicans?

They don't want kids to lazy to steal.

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 1:19 am

A blond had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice.

He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

A blond walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?", asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blond rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

Jew's worst dilemma?

Free bacon.

Difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 14

Two hippies are sitting around and one says to the other "Hey man, turn the radio on". So the other one points to the radio and goes "Hey radio, I love you"

Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 10:05 am

I should ban you for those...