I heard a joke today!

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 7:54 am

Treadprints

One night I dreamed I was jogging along my treadmill with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the TV.

In each scene I noticed footprints on the treadmill. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would jog with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints on the treadmill. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “YOU'RE ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'TRYING PERIODS' OF YOUR LIFE? THE TIMES THAT THERE WERE ONLY ONE SET OF PRINTS WAS THAT TIME YOU HUNG YOURSELF ON THE CORD"

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 10:43 am

MB Guest #0 wrote:

The B. J. Survey

A recent survey was conducted asking men why they like blow jobs. The results were surprising.
10% of the men said they like the feeling.
12% of the men said they like the dominance.
But a whopping 78% of the men said they like the frickin' silence!

The next survey is on why only 22% of men still enjoy the benefits of oral sex.

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 5:42 pm

Q) Whats blue and fucks grannies?

A) Hypo-THERM-ia!

Ahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahaha!

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 6:14 pm

A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The bartender runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.

"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the bartender.

"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.

About two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his ass,and then eats it.
The bartender, having seen this, asks the man: "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"

"No", says the man.

"He just stuck a grape up his ass and then ate it!" the bartender tells him.

"Well,what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that cue ball incident he measures everything first!"

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 8:10 pm

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, how I miss him!"

Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 8:58 pm

BigMac wrote:

A man walks into a bar with his monkey.

This is one of those things they do not teach you in public schools. Sometime you have to learn these things on your own. No pain, no gain!!

Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 6:56 pm

A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.

When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

He walks into the International Paper Company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree, “See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

The redneck promptly answers, “That thar’s a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ’er.”

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, “And what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, “White oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, “see that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!”

The foreman thinks to himself, “idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. That thar’s the front,” the redneck says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, “How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, “Cuz somebody took a dump behind it!”

He got the job.

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 9:35 am

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:46 pm

Too soon??

Farrah Fawcet died at 9:28 a.m.

She gets up to heaven and meets God.

God tells her "On your first day in heaven, I will grant you ONE wish, and ONE wish only"

Farrah pauses to think about this amazing gift.

She finally stands up and says "My wish is to save the children"

1:28pm
Michael Jackson suffered a cardiac arrest.

Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:18 pm

Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:36 pm

Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.

Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.”

Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"

Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.

"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.

Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.

"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.

"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"

Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"

Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:20 pm

An American tourist was walking along a London street on a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking towards him.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman's dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers.

The American, trying to sound as English as possible, said to the woman: "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?"

The woman scowled and replied angrily: "What the 'ell did you expect, feathers?"

Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:45 pm

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:59 pm

Conversation with a Congressman

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.